reuben one out

the winter olympics now over, i find myself occupied 
with the prospect of physical competition.

i concluded the following:

if i gave copious amount of hands-on attention to
"quartermaster winchester chesterfield" (located in my pants),...

...might i be initiating a future men's olympic event?

a summer event i presume & surely
i would qualify for semi-finals...


reuben sandwich

foreplay:

• 2 slices rye bread
• 1/2 cup thousand island dressing
• 1/4 thin sliced corned beef
• 1/2 cup sauerkraut
• 2 slices swiss cheese
• 2 tablespoon butter

doin' it:

• simmer sauerkraut in small saucepan
• heat a butter coated large fry-pan or griddle to medium heat
• brown both sides of bread spread dressing on the one side and set aside 
• form beef into bread-sized mound heat on med for 5 min..
• top the mound with cheese
• pile beef, sauerkraut & cheese on one slice of bread
• top with other slice and remove from heat

climax:

• cut sandwich in half
• serve with chips, dips, or a k-y jelly of your choosing (you nasty lil'...) 

...allow me to paint for you a picture of
"olympic sports future".

tv screens across the globe display, from the waist up,
the finalists for the 2012 summer olympics "hand-on-man" event

 (cue music) "chariots of fire"

as the competition stiffens,
the tv camera glides gently across each athletes face.
then, stopping on mine, the camera zooms in.

reaching climax & visibly sensing victory,
i smile big for my close-up and mouth to the camera
"i'm going to disneyland!"

lake flaccid soup

last night's love session didn't go quite as arranged.

when i awoke this morning i found a little blue pill on my lovers pillow along with a note...

chilled cucumber soup
foreplay:

• 2 large peeled cucumbers
• 3 scallions, chopped
• 6 thin slices of a poblano chili
• 4 stalks fresh dill (or parsley) chopped
• 1 fresh lemon squeezed
• ¼ cup half & half
• 6 oz. plain yogurt
• 1 tablespoon salt 
• 1 tablespoon pepper

doin' it:

• cut cucumber in half, scrape out seeds and chop. (hold 1 inch of uncut cucumber aside)
• combine ingredients in a blender and run at high speed until creamy (30 sec). 
• freeze for 15 minutes 

climax:

• serve & garnish with paper thin slices of cucumber

..."dearest lover,
hoping this letter finds you well.

i regret to you inform you, to whom you refer as
"quartermaster winchester chesterfield"
and to who i more accurately refer to as your
"quarter-mast manhood"
passed away last night.

he is survived by your ego, unflossed teeth and that blue boa you curiously insist upon.

regretfully,
your (whenever you're ready) lover"

two fisted tokyo jerk

my lover found me in the bathroom
taking matters into my own hands.

i begged her forgiveness and a washcloth...

wasabi beef jerky
foreplay

• 4 pounds flank steak.
• 2 oz. wasabi paste
• 8 oz. soy sauce
• toothpicks

doin' it

• freeze steak for 10 minutes then slice into 1/4 inch strips
• mix wasabi paste and soy sauce (marinade)
• marinate steak strips for 6 hours
• stick a toothpick through one end of each strip
• hang each strip between top oven rack rungs
• cook at 200 degrees for 6 hours

climax

• store in fridge and enjoy at your whim

..."a washcloth?" she quizzically replied.

i shouted back lovingly
"damn it, woman, quickly!"

"this wasabi is starting to burn! it burns! it freakin' burns!"

she closed the door.

tranny soup: tomato soup... with eggs

for her birthday, i decided to surprise my lover with a bedroom "guest".

"teri" was her name. tall, a bit muscular, she boasted a wealth of street experiences.

my lover would be arriving from work shortly and i,
wanting nothing to go awry, made the loving decision
to warm the "gift" up a bit...

...for my lover...

tomato & egg drop soup

foreplay

• 4 cups chicken broth (bullion cube)
• 2 ripe tomatoes, diced
• 1/2 cup cilantro leaves, chopped 
• 1 tablespoons cornstarch dissolved in 1/4 cup cold water 
• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
• 1 tablespoon soy sauce 
• 2 egg whites, lightly beaten 
• 1 sliced green chili
• 2 poached eggs

doin' it

• an a deep saucepan, bring the chicken stock to a boil.
• add the tomatoes a pinch of cilantro, a few chili slices, and boil for 5 minutes.
• strain into a new saucepan and simmer.
• add remaining cilantro leaves, pepper, cornstarch mixture and soy sauce. 
• very slowly pour egg whites into the soup. 
• gently stir soup until the eggs form thin streams. (picture egg drop soup)
• remove from heat. 

climax

• pour soup into bowls, carefully slide one poached egg into the soup. (the egg will sink to the bottom)
• garnish with green chilies and serve piping hot.

...teri's 6 inch panty surprise stood tall to meet my face just as my lover entered the room.

i whispered "happy birthday sweet pea!" while thinking to myself...

naaaailed it!

momo fuk-u gently eggs florentine

my lover called to alert me as to when I should expect her arrival from the airport...
...i decided to prepare for her a seductive meal...
"momo fuk-u eggs - florentine".

indeed!... 

momofuku poached eggs - florentine

foreplay

• 4 x-large eggs
• 2 bunches of spinach 
• 2 tablespoons butter 
• 2 cloves thin sliced garlic
• 5 strips bacon

doin' it

• place a veggie-steamer in a deep pot 3/4 full of water and heat low to 140 degrees. 
• insert a meat thermometer & add cool water if necessary to maintain temperature. 
• gently place the eggs into the pot & cook for 40 to 45 minutes. (smaller eggs cook 30-35 min)
• set a timer but check temperature regularly.
• gently crack eggs near the top, peel away a 1 inch hole and "pour" each egg into it's own saucer.

• lightly sauté 2 bunches of spinach with butter & garlic
• cook bacon to taste. (toaster oven for small batches is my preference)

climax

• scoop drained spinach onto two plates.
• with clean hands, form the spinach into a mound, make two nest like indentations in the mounds.
• pour one egg into each mound.
• garnish with 2 inch cuts of bacon 

...i squint seductively as i hear the jingle of keys in the door...

...and wearing nothing but a beguiling smile and my trademark powder blue boa...

...i greet her with a primal coo.

"coo!"

she greets me with 8 members of her extended family.

i knew my lover was freaky, but... damn! 

"bring 'em on baby, bring 'em on!"

my lover "s-melt"

the look on her face said it all...

...her mouth gagged, ankles and wrists bound to the love wall.

it's been a full hour since i yanked opened both the curtains & large bay windows of our love dungeon.

my lover's bare back caressed by the freezing winds now sweeping into our first floor apartment.

her muted anguish, frantic body contortions, burning, billowing eyes beg for more but i simply must break for tea...

salmon melt

foreplay:

• 2 cans boneless, skinless salmon, drained (5-6 oz. cans)
• 1 celery stalk minced
• 2 scallions chopped
• 1 tablespoon dijon mustard
• 3 tablespoons mayonnaise
• 1 teaspoon old bay seasoning
• 1/2 lemon - juiced
• 1 teaspoon hot sauce (any)
• 1 tomato thin sliced

set aside:

• 4 slices of bread (whatever u like) 
• 8 slices swiss cheese (ask your deli-guy for 1/4 pound)
• 1 tablespoon butter 

doin it

• combine remaining ingredients in medium bowl and mix aggressively with a fork.
• add butter to a small fry pan and lightly toast both sides of your bread in it.
• spread salmon salad evenly over each piece of toast, top with cheese and broil/toaster oven for 5 minutes.

climax

• top with tomato slices and serve.

...my lover's dampened cries fade to the background as i sip and ponder the faces of the now gathering crowd.

poor men, tsk tsk. those yellow hard hats won't protect you from her allure...


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i've got crabs

i inhale my lover's exhale...,

her body still quivering from a post climactic tremor.
our eyes locked.
i whisper

"lover,  i've got crabs."

steamed bay crabs

foreplay

• 12 live blue crabs (freeze for 5 minutes to settle them down)
• 1/4 cup of water 
• 1 can or bottle of cheap domestic beer 
• 1/4 cup of old bay seasoning mixed with 1/4 cup kosher salt (set aside 3 tablespoons) 
• 2 tbsp of white vinegar 

doin' it 

• pour beer, water & vinegar into a large deep pot & boil. (place a steaming tray or broken chopsticks at bottom.)
• add crabs to pot.
• sprinkle in seasonings.
• cook for 15 minutes until bright orange in color.

climax

serve hot or cold with set-aside seasoning to dip.