the x-rated cookbook

reuben one out

2010-03-11T23:24:00.007-05:00

the winter olympics now over, i find myself occupied
with the prospect of physical competition.

i concluded the following:

if i gave copious amount of hands-on attention to
"quartermaster winchester chesterfield" (located in my pants),...

...might i be initiating a future men's olympic event?

a summer event i presume & surely
i would qualify for semi-finals...

reuben sandwich

foreplay:

2 slices rye bread
1/2 cup thousand island dressing
1/4 thin sliced corned beef
1/2 cup sauerkraut
2 slices swiss cheese
2 tablespoon butter

doin' it:

simmer sauerkraut in small saucepan
heat a butter coated large fry-pan or griddle to medium heat
brown both sides of bread spread dressing on the one side and set aside
form beef into bread-sized mound heat on med for 5 min..
top the mound with cheese
pile beef, sauerkraut & cheese on one slice of bread
top with other slice and remove from heat

climax:

cut sandwich in half
serve with chips, dips, or a k-y jelly of your choosing (you nasty lil'...)

...allow me to paint for you a picture of
"olympic sports future".

tv screens across the globe display, from the waist up,
the finalists for the 2012 summer olympics "hand-on-man" event

(cue music) "chariots of fire"

as the competition stiffens,
the tv camera glides gently across each athletes face.
then, stopping on mine, the camera zooms in.

reaching climax & visibly sensing victory,
i smile big for my close-up and mouth to the camera
"i'm going to disneyland!"

lake flaccid soup

2010-02-19T14:39:00.017-05:00

last night's love session didn't go quite as arranged.

when i awoke this morning i found a little blue pill on my lovers pillow along with a note...

chilled cucumber soup
foreplay:

2 large peeled cucumbers
3 scallions, chopped
6 thin slices of a poblano chili
4 stalks fresh dill (or parsley) chopped
1 fresh lemon squeezed
¼ cup half & half
6 oz. plain yogurt
1 tablespoon salt
1 tablespoon pepper

doin' it:

cut cucumber in half, scrape out seeds and chop. (hold 1 inch of uncut cucumber aside)
combine ingredients in a blender and run at high speed until creamy (30 sec).
freeze for 15 minutes

climax:

serve & garnish with paper thin slices of cucumber

..."dearest lover,
hoping this letter finds you well.

i regret to you inform you, to whom you refer as
"quartermaster winchester chesterfield"
and to who i more accurately refer to as your
"quarter-mast manhood"
passed away last night.

he is survived by your ego, unflossed teeth and that blue boa you curiously insist upon.

regretfully,
your (whenever you're ready) lover"

two fisted tokyo jerk

2010-02-09T08:40:00.006-05:00

my lover found me in the bathroom
taking matters into my own hands.

i begged her forgiveness and a washcloth...

wasabi beef jerky
foreplay

4 pounds flank steak.
2 oz. wasabi paste
8 oz. soy sauce
toothpicks

doin' it

freeze steak for 10 minutes then slice into 1/4 inch strips
mix wasabi paste and soy sauce (marinade)
marinate steak strips for 6 hours
stick a toothpick through one end of each strip
hang each strip between top oven rack rungs
cook at 200 degrees for 6 hours

climax

store in fridge and enjoy at your whim

..."a washcloth?" she quizzically replied.

i shouted back lovingly
"damn it, woman, quickly!"

"this wasabi is starting to burn! it burns! it freakin' burns!"

she closed the door.

tranny soup: tomato soup... with eggs

2010-01-31T14:40:00.011-05:00

for her birthday, i decided to surprise my lover with a bedroom "guest".

"teri" was her name. tall, a bit muscular, she boasted a wealth of street experiences.

my lover would be arriving from work shortly and i,
wanting nothing to go awry, made the loving decision
to warm the "gift" up a bit...

...for my lover...

tomato & egg drop soup

foreplay

4 cups chicken broth (bullion cube)
2 ripe tomatoes, diced
1/2 cup cilantro leaves, chopped
1 tablespoons cornstarch dissolved in 1/4 cup cold water
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1 tablespoon soy sauce
2 egg whites, lightly beaten
1 sliced green chili
2 poached eggs

doin' it

an a deep saucepan, bring the chicken stock to a boil.
add the tomatoes a pinch of cilantro, a few chili slices, and boil for 5 minutes.
strain into a new saucepan and simmer.
add remaining cilantro leaves, pepper, cornstarch mixture and soy sauce.
very slowly pour egg whites into the soup.
gently stir soup until the eggs form thin streams. (picture egg drop soup)
remove from heat.

climax

pour soup into bowls, carefully slide one poached egg into the soup. (the egg will sink to the bottom)
garnish with green chilies and serve piping hot.

...teri's 6 inch panty surprise stood tall to meet my face just as my lover entered the room.

i whispered "happy birthday sweet pea!" while thinking to myself...

naaaailed it!

momo fuk-u gently eggs florentine

2010-01-29T17:20:00.015-05:00

my lover called to alert me as to when I should expect her arrival from the airport...
...i decided to prepare for her a seductive meal...
"momo fuk-u eggs - florentine".

indeed!...

momofuku poached eggs - florentine

foreplay

4 x-large eggs
2 bunches of spinach
2 tablespoons butter
2 cloves thin sliced garlic
5 strips bacon

doin' it

place a veggie-steamer in a deep pot 3/4 full of water and heat low to 140 degrees.
insert a meat thermometer & add cool water if necessary to maintain temperature.
gently place the eggs into the pot & cook for 40 to 45 minutes. (smaller eggs cook 30-35 min)
set a timer but check temperature regularly.
gently crack eggs near the top, peel away a 1 inch hole and "pour" each egg into it's own saucer.

lightly sauté 2 bunches of spinach with butter & garlic
cook bacon to taste. (toaster oven for small batches is my preference)

climax

scoop drained spinach onto two plates.
with clean hands, form the spinach into a mound, make two nest like indentations in the mounds.
pour one egg into each mound.
garnish with 2 inch cuts of bacon

...i squint seductively as i hear the jingle of keys in the door...

...and wearing nothing but a beguiling smile and my trademark powder blue boa...

...i greet her with a primal coo.

"coo!"

she greets me with 8 members of her extended family.

i knew my lover was freaky, but... damn!

"bring 'em on baby, bring 'em on!"

my lover "s-melt"

2010-01-27T11:59:00.007-05:00

the look on her face said it all...

...her mouth gagged, ankles and wrists bound to the love wall.

it's been a full hour since i yanked opened both the curtains & large bay windows of our love dungeon.

my lover's bare back caressed by the freezing winds now sweeping into our first floor apartment.

her muted anguish, frantic body contortions, burning, billowing eyes beg for more but i simply must break for tea...

salmon melt

foreplay:

2 cans boneless, skinless salmon, drained (5-6 oz. cans)
1 celery stalk minced
2 scallions chopped
1 tablespoon dijon mustard
3 tablespoons mayonnaise
1 teaspoon old bay seasoning
1/2 lemon - juiced
1 teaspoon hot sauce (any)
1 tomato thin sliced

set aside:

4 slices of bread (whatever u like)
8 slices swiss cheese (ask your deli-guy for 1/4 pound)
1 tablespoon butter

doin it

combine remaining ingredients in medium bowl and mix aggressively with a fork.
add butter to a small fry pan and lightly toast both sides of your bread in it.
spread salmon salad evenly over each piece of toast, top with cheese and broil/toaster oven for 5 minutes.

climax

top with tomato slices and serve.

...my lover's dampened cries fade to the background as i sip and ponder the faces of the now gathering crowd.

poor men, tsk tsk. those yellow hard hats won't protect you from her allure...

Subscribe!

i've got crabs

2010-01-25T14:41:00.010-05:00

i inhale my lover's exhale...,

her body still quivering from a post climactic tremor.
our eyes locked.
i whisper

"lover, i've got crabs."

steamed bay crabs

foreplay

12 live blue crabs (freeze for 5 minutes to settle them down)
1/4 cup of water
1 can or bottle of cheap domestic beer
1/4 cup of old bay seasoning mixed with 1/4 cup kosher salt (set aside 3 tablespoons)
2 tbsp of white vinegar

doin' it

pour beer, water & vinegar into a large deep pot & boil. (place a steaming tray or broken chopsticks at bottom.)
add crabs to pot.
sprinkle in seasonings.
cook for 15 minutes until bright orange in color.

climax

serve hot or cold with set-aside seasoning to dip.

wild buffalo style

2010-01-23T18:23:00.032-05:00

my lover was taking a hot milk-bath and confessed to me her hunger. i nodded subserviently and excused myself...

buffalo wings
foreplay

36 chicken wing pieces
3 tablespoons vegetable oil (tossing)
2 cups vegetable oil (cooking)
1 cup all-purpose flour mixed with 1 tablespoon salt

doin' it!

wash and dry chicken, then toss in veggie oil.
dredge wings lightly in flour (dip chicken in flour and shake off excess).
oven cook wings for 10-15 minutes at 400 turning once (middle rack).
turn deep fryer to "high" or heat oil in deep frying pan on maximum heat.
fry chicken until a crispy, golden brown. (add only as much chicken as can be covered by oil.)
allow oil to reheat between batches.
strain oil from chicken.

get saucy:

1 1/2 tablespoons white vinegar
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 clove of garlic grated
1 teaspoon worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon tabasco sauce
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon of brown sugar
1 cup louisiana/franks hot sauce (frank's is the brand used in buffalo)
1 cup butter

climax

in a small sauce pan melt butter, sugar and vinegar over low heat.
add remaining ingredients. keep warm but do not over heat.
place your fried chicken in a large bowl, pour sauce over the chicken and toss until coated.
serve with celery and blue cheese.

...placing her wine glass on the edge of the tub after i presented her with my hot, sticky offering...

...my lover gazed upon me with heat in her eyes as the serene milky water succumbed to a shimmering orange slick...

...the wings i had moments earlier plunked into the water bobbing gracefully beneath her chin.

squeeze my lemon teabags

2010-01-23T13:39:00.032-05:00

so, i've dismounted my lover after a long night of sweaty love making. i'm laying on a bearskin rug basking in the glow of a crackling fireplace. my lover is worn, glistening and a bit parched.

"thirsty, lover?" she attempts to answer. "shhh, shhh, don't say a thing. daddy will be back in minute..."

lemon-ginger tea

ingredients

4 cups water
2 lemons, juiced (or lime, if you prefer)
1 tablespoon freshly grated ginger
1/4 cup honey
1/4 cup sugar
2 cinnamon sticks
10 leaves of fresh mint
thinly sliced lemon or lime, for garnish

preparation

boil water in a medium sauce pan. add cinnamon, cover and simmer for 10 minutes.
add honey, sugar, lemon/lime juice (some zest if you'd like) and the ginger to the water.
simmer and whisk occasionally for 10 min.
remove from heat, add mint, cover and let steep for 20 minutes
strain, garnish and serve hot

...i return to my lover moments later with my steaming love potion. "here ya' go you sexy little..."

stumbling on a misplaced sex toy, i fling 212 degrees of searing hot tea over my lover's bare skin. she recoils in fiery anguish as her skin blisters from my lemony-ginger shower.

i think to myself, "hmm, her cries are somehow different now. i don't think she fully appreciates the effort that went into that tea."

welcome lovers

2010-01-23T12:47:00.017-05:00

one true post.

the other day i was developing a "momofuku" inspired recipe. upon completion, i labored over what to name the dish.
(momofuku is a prominent nyc eatery)

"momofuku-florentine" came to mind first. shortly thereafter, "fuku-florentine" for its alliteration. but then i got a bit cheeky: "fuk-u florentine".

"hon' what do you think about an x-rated cookbook?"
(that's me soliciting an opinion from my lover.)

cut to:

THE X-RATED COOKBOOK

recipes made easy for lovers who are 2 busy gettin' bizy to buy a proper cookbook or to ever leave their steamy-windowed love nests.